Taking A Leaf (Of Grass!) out of Cicely Panara's Book

For her blog post last year, Cicely Panara (one of the best humans ever) wrote not only a reflection, but "open letters" to a bunch of humans she was close to. I thought so highly of this exercise that I wanted to mimic her practice.

We Love You, Mrs. G

First, though: a brief reflection.  
"It was..." Ah, I don't even know where to begin. IB has been a whirlwind experience, full of social and personal revelations that I never emotionally believed I'd endure. Platonic and romantic relationships, mental illness, academic turmoil, waitressing/the general food service industry, family turmoil, Enloe to MHS... so many things have transpired in the last couple years that I've yet to completely wrap my head around. 
Reading Whitman has been a bittersweet experience for me. Being reminded of how you are shaped and created by your past... and your present... and your undetermined future (*shudders*)...  is both comforting and haunting. There are parts of myself I have desperately attempted to escape from over these past couple years, hoping to leave these broken shards behind in the resigned identity of a girl who I do not recognize except in the unwelcome shadows of my memories. Nevertheless, the formative nature of circumstance is not lost upon me. I have been given the ability to love fiercely, to give freely, and to see clearly. On any given day I find myself a wandress, a mercenary, a warrior, a lotus eater, a flawed gossamer girl; I am never sure which. But I am sure that I have become everything beautiful that has happened around and to me, and I believe IB to be one of these things. The relationships I've synthesized and maintained within this community are incredibly close to my heart, and it is in the company of everyone and everything that I can be the person I am. So: thank you, thank you, thank you. I believe that is all I have to say. 

Props to Sammy Norris

Lily:

"We yearned for the future. How did we learn it, that talent for insatiability?" (The Handmaid's Tale)

From MOR practices to across-the-room TOK eye contact to Mrs. G's lovely English class, we've gotten to see each other in so many different dimensions, so many different places. As I believe we both came to understand this year that people can be unpredictable in the directions they choose to go- sometimes nearer, but sometimes away from us, too. I do not relish the pain we've gone through, but I am eternally grateful that it brought us together in reciprocal intimacy. Truly, I don't know how I would have gotten through those 2018 October weeks without your support and listening ear. Your ambition and compassion are beautiful in their concurrent duality. Thank you for everything.

Valeria: 

"Stop up th'access and passage to remorse, that no compunctious visitings of nature shake my fell purpose..." (Macbeth)

You are a force to be reckoned with. I so admire your ferocity, tenacity, and sense of self with which you approach the world. Sometimes I fear I'll get too close to you and cut myself on the edges of your unforgiving feminism and confidence. Really, too much of my time is spent deliberating on how I can best exude Valeria-esque vibes. Damn, she really went and did it to 'em. 

Connor:

"I realized then that a man who had lived only one day could easily live for a hundred years in prison." (The Stranger)

Where do I even begin with you? We've made too many memories for me to summarize. Remember when I hated you because you kept pushing my binder off my desk in pre-cal? Then our progressive friendship after forcefully being assigned seats next to one another in film? Meeting up at Sola in the burning heat of mid-July for you to wrinkle your nose at their multi-grain chips? Countless cinematic excursions- the vending machine? The bully sequence? Starbucks meet-ups spent complaining about our workload instead of being productive? Bob Duncan?! I can see why my sister wants to make you into my brother-in-law. Your creativity, spontaneity, and humor light up my life. You are dazzling in a way that I hope never pales.

Emily Ni:

"It is better to burn than to disappear." (The Stranger)

I still feel like you're judging me for ordering egg with my lo mein, but whatever, I guess it's fine. Who In The Room? wouldn't be the same without you. Starbucks and Chick-Fil-A are definitely annoyed with us. And Fernando will combust without our parenting next year. Okay, anyways: you've been by my side for the uncensored highs and lows of daily IB life for the entirety of this past year- seen me at my best and worst- and continue to maintain a relationship with me. That's pretty special. Self-taught essays, gym sessions in which we braved the meatheads to work our upper body, hunting for the extension cord... I've adored all our moments together. 

Lexie:

"She had an evil face, smoothed by hypocrisy; but her manners were excellent." (The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde)

Hah, okay, but you know that I adore you. I guess I'll just outwardly admit that I should have taken your advice as a junior. Regardless, you've continued gassing me up for the past two years and I'm finally reaping the benefits and getting my life together (you roll your eyes). I don't know who my sister loves more, you or Connor. Late night LifeTime workouts? #12, no lettuce, cut in half OR chicken quesadilla OR two CFA sauces OR mocha madness smoothies...? You're my FOIL and my best friend. No doubt my instinct will be to look for you next to me when I'm in my college English class. I love you with my whole heart.

Otto:

"But now, in that gallery, the woman was too close, much closer than we'd ever really wanted." (Never Let Me Go)

You are the idealist we're all looking to be; discernibly aware of the suffering the world can yield and nonetheless staunchly positive. And because of this, you are contagiously delightful. I believe you have the best laugh and the best smile, all bright-eyed and hopeful, always the one to make me snort during Confab podcasts; even now, I remember teaching you how to drive stick around Exchange and smile. "SHIFT DOWN!" I screamed as you revved up to 4,500 RPM, driving in first gear around the parking lot, me in the background sprinting around in an effort to keep up with your laps. The smell of a burning clutch is permanently stained by images of hot summer evenings and Friday early releases with you in the driver's seat, but that's okay. I'd really rather have the memories than the transmission. 

Brooke:
"And I saw a little girl, her eyes tightly coined, holding to her breast the old kind world, one that she knew in her heart could not remain, and she was holding it and pleading, never to let it go." (Never Let Me Go)

The idea of beauty is subjective, but when I consider what goes into making something or someone beautiful, you are who comes to mind (considering my personal definition, of course). Even on days when you are overwhelmed with fatigue, stress, whatever, you seem to glow with energy. You live with such sheer determination that I believe you have a sort of aura, wherein those around you come alive in your presence. I recall sitting in the corner of the Jubala bar last year and hearing you talk quietly and reverantly about your dream school, USMA. It makes me so, so happy to see that you have made it. You deserve all the goodness life has to offer.

Isabella:
"You hold power with balance, with wisdom of mind. Now I shall fulfill our friendship as we earlier agreed. And you shall bring peace to your people for a long time to come, a source of strength to the heroes." (Beowulf) 
You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen, and I think they basically speak for the rest of you. They're transparent and piercing in a way that I feel uncomfortably naked in your gaze, so aware that you are softly evaluating the world around you in an uniquely "Isabella" sort of way. This perspective is undeniably special, accompanied so well by the intellectual eclectic nature of your personality. Florence and The Machine? Goodberry's at Otto's? Laughing our heads off at the debacle that was Kip (Kipling!)? You make me love the world like no one else can. 

Sabian:
"Battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won." (Leaves of Grass)
Studio. Ghibli. Sharing eye contact as we are active voyeurs to Beller's ramblings. "Hunnit!" You have this intoxicating energy I hope I can spread to people in my future. Plus, you taught me how to actually tap into myself to express unique gestures of love for people ("Can't you just make him something? You're, like, creative... right?") What a wonderful lad you are. I'm going to miss you terribly. 

Andrew:
("Yet out of that I have written these songs") (Leaves of Grass)
#linuxlife What would I do without you, dude? You've been my bismuth for the past two years- particularly this one, though. Your uncanny ability to find the beauty in everything is what keeps me going when everything else seems to be falling apart. You have believed in me, trusted me, respected me, and loved me through all my mistakes and misjudgments, and I don't even know how to put those experiences into words. You are a phoenix of the blue flame and your existence is a blessing. Let it be known there will be a later letter to sum this up.

Louisa: 
"There is not love of life without despair about life." (The Stranger)

Hey buddy. We've been through all of it over these past seven years. Ms. Nimmons, Lam, ATHENA (!), WHAP, and the complete experience of IB in all of its manifestations. Sorry you didn't like the Cool Blue Gatorade. You're one of the strongest people I know- your resilience is an inspiration to me. I love, love, love you, and I believe so firmly in your abilities that I have no doubt you will achieve happiness most of us can only dream of. I hope to be with you for all of your journey. 

To everyone else:
"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars." (Leaves of Grass)
You all have impacted me more than you know, and certainly more than I can even try to verbalize within the confines of language. Thank you for welcoming into your wonderful MHS IB world and giving me a place to call home. I am grateful for everything you have taught me and done for me.